When the stakes are raised

In her book More Language of Letting Go, Melody Beattie writes, "When we're faced with simple situations in life, it's easy to do the right thing. But as the stakes get higher and higher, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on the task." This passage hit home with me, since I essentially "raised the stakes" when I moved to Los Angeles.

In Portland, it was relatively easy to find acting jobs. In fact, I didn't even have to audition for many of the roles I got there. All I had to do, it seemed, was show up and let people know I was a credible actor.

In LA, however, it's been more difficult. With many more actors in the mix, it's often not enough to just show up—you've got to network, promote yourself, endlessly audition, whatever. And as I noted in my last entry, it's gotten "increasingly difficult to focus on the task." While I'm glad I left Portland for LA, I'll admit that life was generally much simpler there.

Beattie goes on to ask, "Are you allowing fear of a worst-case scenario to upset your balance?" It's an interesting thought, although I'm not sure that such a fear is what plagues me. My dilemma, it seems, is that I can't pinpoint exactly what I want right now.

But in an e-mail tonight, a friend told me that "life's script will come on its own." She added that I should work through my issues as needed and then "let life unfold as it's going to do."

So it's good to know that I'm not simply wasting time. Who knows? Maybe I'm just gearing up to meet those raised stakes.

Ambivalence

Merriam-Webster defines ambivalence as "simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action." It goes on to say that ambivalence can also be "continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)" or "uncertainty as to which approach to follow." And indeed, I've experienced all of these things.

Simultaneous and contradictory feelings: Hello, show business! While I love to act, I've yet to grow comfortable with the self-promotion aspect of being an actor. In fact, I often don't think of myself as an actor at all, but rather a multifaceted person who loves to act. In this town, however, someone who acts is known as an actor.

Continual fluctuation: A while back, I found myself not wanting to pursue an acting career. Then I changed my mind and decided to stick it out. Then I . . .

Uncertainty as to which approach to follow: OK, so I want to be an actor after all. Now what? Classes, casting workshops, no-holds-barred auditioning? Admittedly, poor finances can make this dilemma even worse (or better, I guess, depending on how you look at it).

Oddly enough, I've found that ambivalence is something of a taboo subject here in Hollywood. You either want a career with all your heart and will do anything to get it, or you move back to Omaha and sell shoes. But to actually admit to ambivalent feelings about the industry? It's something I've never heard mentioned here, save for when I do it myself. (And talk about an awkward silence.)

So how does one overcome ambivalence? Nobody here seems to know. When I posed the question to the so-called breakthrough coach I mentioned last night, she quickly changed the subject. Even the otherwise fine acting teacher I studied with didn't seem to have an answer. To him, you either went full-bore with your acting pursuits or you found something else to do.

Given that both of these people were "pros," I'm going to quit seeking professional advice on this topic. The best advice (and perhaps the only good advice) I've gotten was from the coach/consultant Barbara Deutsch, who told me to "keep writing."

So keep writing I will.

Blogger seeks topics

Location, location: Having housesat in Venice this weekend, I find myself wanting to live on the canals. Quaint and picturesque during the day, they're beautiful and even magical at night.

Show business: This afternoon I attended a free lecture given by a woman who specializes in "breakthrough coaching" for actors. It was interesting stuff at first, although I wasn't happy with the answers she gave to my two questions. In my opinion, someone who claims to help actors "identify and overcome blocks and obstacles" shouldn't brush off someone who actually admits to experiencing blocks and obstacles. Needless to say, I won't be calling her for private coaching.

That said, the lecture did help me realize that I can't make much progress in my acting career if I'm struggling financially. So the mission for now is to make more money. The aforementioned coach did say it's perfectly acceptable to take breaks from acting when needed.

So for now, I'm going to hold off on acting activities that cost money (e.g., casting workshops). There'll be plenty of time for that stuff when I'm on steadier ground.

Friends: Right before I began writing this entry, I spoke with a friend of mine in Portland. She offered some words of support when I told her about today's unsatisfactory lecture, adding that I made the right decision when I moved here. (She was once an LA resident herself.) When your morale is low, a friend like this can be just what you need.

This blog: When my friend asked what I'd write about tonight, I told her I didn't know. This is often the case: I'll just write what comes to mind.

Any suggestions? If there's something you'd like me to write about here, feel free to let me know. While I can't guarantee that I'll use your idea, I'll try to write at least a sentence or two on topics that interest me. That's right—an interactive blog! If anything, it'll be an interesting test of my writing chops.

Last month, I wrote 21 entries—a record! This month has gotten off to a slow start, although I'm hardly out of ideas. And I want to hear yours, too! So fire away.

When there's no Plan B

It's been said that to achieve success as an actor, you can't have a Plan B. The reasoning is that a backup plan can become too tempting when the going gets rough.

And indeed, I moved to LA without a backup plan. For better or worse, I'm no longer interested in the corporate world. And despite what I hear about the merits of teaching, I have no desire to do it myself. To me, teaching acting (or writing) would be a poor substitute for the real thing. And the corporate world? Don't get me started.

But I do need to support myself while I seek to earn my living as an actor and writer. And what I'm finding is that there's apparently no "right" day job for me. Why? Well, when your heart is set on making your living a certain way, everything else seems to fall short. The editorial work I've done for the past 10-odd years now feels stale. I just can't see myself in the service industry again. And teaching? Oh, right—I mentioned that already. Basically, I'm at a point where nothing seems right, save for what I really want.

While I'd like to just throw in the towel and quit looking for work, financial circumstances don't allow for this. So I'll keep looking, even though I'm not sure there's even an answer out there. Perhaps I'll just find a day job or two that, like the day jobs I've had in the past, aren't ideal but somehow fit the bill for a while.

This is the dilemma of someone who's following a dream: When you really want something, no substitute or second-place award is going to make you feel fulfilled. You're after one thing and one thing only. That's why "brainstorming" for job ideas hasn't worked for me: I want to be a paid actor and writer—nothing more, nothing less.

So while it's obvious that I don't have a Plan B, I'll continue my search for a workable day job. Plan D? Certainly feels like it sometimes.

The Lone Ranger rides again, only with other people this time

It's who you know: At a party last month, I met a USC professor named Janet Fitch. She's a very cool lady who grew up in the neighborhood where I presently live. Well, today I learned (thanks, IMDb!) that she also wrote the novel White Oleander, which was later made into a movie. So I may well read this book after I finish L.A. Confidential, which ought to be pretty soon.

Background work: When I called the Central Casting hotline on Friday, I heard of an opportunity for CSI: NY that sounded fitting. So I called the casting director's line and . . . got a busy signal. After trying several times during the course of an hour or so, I gave up. Now I see why so many background actors pay calling services to do to their calling and booking. If I end up doing this kind of work with any regularity, I may do the same.

Socializing: On Friday night (or early Saturday morning, I should say), I attended the birthday celebration of actor and gentleman Ben Hisoler. While I only stayed for about 45 minutes, I enjoyed getting out and seeing some familiar faces. (Ben and I have a number of mutual friends.) It made me feel a bit more "with it," if you know what I mean.

What's more, Ben said he has me in mind for some webisodes he wants to shoot down the road. It was Ben who, along with my friend Thesy, threw the Mad Men party I attended back in November. Obviously a good guy to know.

What else? Before my birthday dinner last Monday, I had coffee with a fun, funny screenwriter named Paul Benson. Paul's a big fan of the show Chuck, whereas I know someone who works on the show. So with some guidance from Paul, I put together an e-mail to send to my contact. While the message was mainly to showcase Paul as a writer, I added that I enjoy the show and would love to work on it as an actor. Since self-promotion isn't exactly my forte, I'm now seeing the value of knowing people like Paul.

Next Wednesday, I plan to check out Story Salon, which bills itself as "Southern California's longest-running, regularly performing live storytelling ensemble." I've expressed a desire to find alternatives to stand-up, so perhaps this venue will fit the bill. At the very least, it'll be another chance to get out and meet some people.

Speaking of meeting people, I'm thinking it would be nice to do some dating again. Yeah, I could stand to lose a bit of weight. Yeah, my finances could be better. But at the same time, I don't want to sit in isolation forever. As I mentioned a while back, even the Lone Ranger wasn't a loner.

And in closing, a recent winning status update: Sokrates saw that parking was free with validation. "You're a good person," he told the attendant. "And not bad-looking, either."

Post-birthday postmortem

My birthday: What can I say? It was terrific. Good food, great company, and about 500 birthday wishes via phone, text, mail, and Facebook. Being a year older actually feels pretty good so far.

Background work: I went to Central Casting yesterday and re-registered, meaning I submitted new paperwork and got a new photo taken. Because my account hadn't expired, I didn't have to pay the registration fee again. That said, Central has perhaps the worst parking situation in Greater Los Angeles. But I did see a Metrolink station nearby, so the train might be a worthwhile option for reaching 220 S. Flower St. in Burbank.

While waiting in line at Central, I was approached by a friendly-seeming fellow who asked to look at the magazine I was reading. Assuming I'd get it right back, I said yes. But when a couple of minutes went by and he hadn't gotten my subtle clues that I wanted my magazine back, I had to gently pull it away and say I wanted to get back to the article I was reading.

But it's not over: As I was walking away from the office after getting my photo taken, the fellow called out and asked if he could see the magazine again. A bit wiser this time, I said I was in a big hurry and made a beeline for my car.

Tomorrow, I'm going to audition again at the Daniel Hoff Agency. Later on, I'll be attending someone's birthday shindig at a (gasp!) bar. 2010 is the year of expanding my comfort zone, right?

Like earrings? Then check out my friend Rachel's Etsy page. She designs and makes every pair! Just don't ask me what Etsy means. (Rachel's also a costumer, by the way, so she really knows about making stuff.)

Next weekend, I'll be housesitting for my friend Kelly in Venice. While there, I'll be keeping an eye out for apartment rentals. From what I'm hearing, rents have come down even by the beach.

So now I'm a year older, plus two days. And so far, I'm liking it.

At last, a paid writer

For the first time ever, I was paid for my writing tonight. It happened by way of this blog's donation button, courtesy of the friend who suggested that I add it. While I've already thanked her privately, I'd like to do so here as well. Again, this is the first time I've ever been paid as a writer. And hopefully, it's the start of a trend!